Cancer leaves some memories of dad even after all these years.
Over seven years ago I lost my dad to cancer and it seemed to be a lonely experience for us both. As a psychotherapist I saw people but understood I couldn’t share as my client’s story didn’t need my personal situations. Dad had been diagnosed and given approximately 2 years which he actually made but to see him constantly struggle through those last months was not pleasant. I had sibling but they resided in the US so they couldn’t partake in caring for him and I did live much closer. My husband and myself took turns to care for him as he didn’t want nurses visiting as he had been told that wasn’t a good idea by someone nonmedical overseas. They had no idea the struggles he had as he wouldn’t admit to having difficulties as he was a proud man.
We didn’t exactly have an activity free life as we spent days and nights caring for my dad. One of us worked fulltime and I had my own health conditions where it was important that I didn’t overexert myself. I attended hospital appointments with him and took him to emergency when he was really having a rough time. Cancer can also add symptoms that one doesn’t expect until a situation arises. On one emergency visit he ask me to get him a coffee and when I got one from the coffee machine, he said it tasted terrible; I did agree as it was machine coffee however, I later learned that drinks can have a metallic taste due to treatment needed to keep him alive. I still walk past coffee machines without stopping as dad was so insistent, they make bad coffee.
He found it really hard to need help from others so he wouldn’t go to hospital unless it was a booked appointment, he worked with schedules or he could barely function. We walk down his street as he wanted a paper and he seem to collapse yet was holding himself off the ground with a stone planter. He kept saying ‘Liv I haven’t fallen’ when I said should I phone an ambulance. The planter was located in front of a shop so the owner raced out to help and dad told him he was fine while still clutching this stone stand. My dad was way over 6 foot and I was a foot shorter so getting him back home which we could see took ages.
There was a magical day in all of this when dad said he would cook lunch. He told me to stay out of the kitchen so at a later time he said it was ready. It actually was a lovely roast dinner but as it took so much time it had cooled quite a bit. So, we sat at either end of the dining room table eating a dinner, he then said it was a bit cold then we both laughed because neither one of us wanted to admit that detail and ruin the moment. It was his last supper he made as everything was too hard but was a moment I cherished.
There were no visitors and he would phone others during better times to do business deals. Towards the end these conversations would be him laying on the floor as he felt too unstable then telling others how marvellous things were down the phoneline. He would end the call drop the phone and tell me to get pain meds. Even right at the end in hospital hooked up to all kinds of equipment he told my husband on Friday he needed to go as he had a meeting Monday, right after he slipped into a coma and never woke up. He was gone by the following Friday. So, he did what he always said and worked to the end.
As a psychotherapist I was working in a charity for those who had cancer or other terminal conditions as a home visitor. We had a training course happening there and I missed the last one as dad had died. I had also just qualified as a Soul Midwife to holistically assist those in the process of dying. It was such a strange set of timings that came together. My dad and my world got really busy with visitors that last week and various family dynamics were at play so there were tensions. What got me through at that time was the hospital team that assisted dad, my husband and older children and my therapist. As a therapist in times of stress it also helps us to see someone professional to talk to.
Months later my body needed a break so physically my kidneys had lessened their ability to cope so I took time off. One of my numerous conditions was stage 3 kidney disease which I had over 20 years and type 1 diabetes over 40 years both of which need extra care and prolonged stress doesn’t help. Dad needed me so it felt like it was important to be there for him and somehow put my own health aside. I did recover to my normal status with manageable health conditions but know there will be family members up and down the country also caring for relatives with health needs needing extra support. As a society we do find it hard to ask for support even when the reasons are obvious. So, when someone tells me they have cancer or cancer has struck the family I say it helps to get extra emotional support. It can happen either during that time or after the loss as that is hard for many.